Repatriation of Christmas Act

When I finally take my place as lord and master of this fair country, my first order of business will be a series of measures designed to eliminate the horrifying exploitation of Christmas currently on display. The Repatriation of Christmas Act will include, but not be limited to, the following:

1. There shall be no Christmas or similarly-themed decorations permitted in public spaces until December 1st. This includes oversized ornaments, ribbons, lights, trees, snowflakes, and the construction of Santa’s Workshop. Particular attention will be paid to the Hudson’s Bay Company, which insists on subjecting its patrons to a “Christmas Village” on or about October 8th. Shameful.

2. Likewise, the playing of Christmas carols or secular holiday songs cannot commence until December 1st. The playing of such music shall be limited to no more than 45 minutes per hour to ensure both customers and employees have an adequate recovery period before the next barrage.

3. The use of Christmas-themed cups by retailers such as Tim Hortons and Starbucks will be prohibited until December 1st. This embargo shall also include holiday-themed drinks such as the Gingerbread Latté and Eggnog Frappuccino.

4. Santa Claus parades will commence on the first weekend of December. Parades scheduled for warm sunny days in mid-November will be immediately ordered to disband and organizers will be required to undergo a psychiatric evaluation.

5. Office Christmas parties will not be permitted during the month of November – that’s just wrong. Nor may they be scheduled in January, which is both wrong and stupid. December shall be the only permissible month for such festive gatherings.

6. Only the word “Christmas” can be used in printed materials. “Xmas” is not a word and shall not be used under any circumstance. Violators will be forced to write the word “Christ” on the blackboard no fewer than 1,000 times.

I appreciate that the birth of the baby Jesus is cause for considerable celebration. I can’t help but think that some people may be exploiting the joyful occasion, turning what should be a time of personal and family renewal into a prolonged orgy of consumption.

I’m no Grinch or Scrooge – I just think 60 days is way too long to sustain the Christmas spirit. Even December 1st feels early to me, but that happens to be the day that Advent calendars start, and God knows I love them little hidden chocolate squares.

If you there are additional measures you would like included in the Repatriation of Christmas Act, please let me know and I shall consider them in due course.

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