Not Another Decade

This past summer, I was driving down the highway listening to Q, and Jian opening the show by saying “With just a few months left in this decade…”. I nearly slammed on the brakes, perhaps in some subconscious way thinking that by slowing down the car, I could also slow down the passage of time.

It took a few minutes for this fact to sink in, and I gradually accepted what should have been obvious – yet another decade is drawing to a close. [ed. Yes, I know the next decade will actually start on January 1, 2011. However, only mathematically-obsessed social misfits feel the need to point this out at every opportunity. Please leave the rest of us simple-minded folk alone.]

So, as the media dissect the past ten years in excruciating detail (Top 17 Celebrity Couple Break-Ups of the Decade!), we take a look back at the…what the hell are we calling this decade? The oughts? The double-O’s? How did we get this far and not agree on a name?

In just a few days, I will enter my fifth decade. I’m still not sure how that’s possible, seeing as how I’m only 37. To be honest, I’m not that excited by the prospect, as I fail to see how the next decade can possibly compare to the first four:

First tooth
Learned to crawl
Learned to walk
Birth of brother
First day of Kindergarten
Endless days of leisure

First girlfriend
First kiss
First drum lesson
First trip to Europe
First day of high school
Learned to drive (not well)
Attended first rock concert

First time getting drunk
Graduated from high school
Moved away from home
Threw a hand grenade
Met my future wife
Graduated from two universities
First real job

Got engaged
Got married
Bought our first house
Birth of our first son
Birth of our second son

The bar’s been set pretty high, and I don’t see how the next decade can possibly measure up. By the end of it, I’ll be old and worn down, with noticeably less hair and significantly more fat. Oceans will rise, and oil will disappear. Sarah Palin will be finishing off her second term as President of the United States of America, and fifty cents of every dollar I make will be taken away to cover the healthcare and pension costs for baby boomers. And that’s an optimistic forecast.

Have a happy new year, everybody!

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