The current financial crisis is a topic of concern for many of my loyal readers. Some of you have e-mailed me questions, and as the holder of two degrees in music performance, I’m happy to offer my expert advice and analysis of this incredibly complex situation.
Q: Some politicians are saying this is the worst financial crisis since The Great Depression. Should I be nervous?
A: I think the experts are downplaying the current situation. This is far worse than The Great Depression – in fact, it’s the worst thing that has ever happened in the history of human civilization. If you haven’t started to panic, you really should.
Q: The market seems to be getting lower every day. Should I hold on to my stocks or sell now?
A: You should totally sell now. SELL SELL SELL. Your stocks are toxic – you need to get rid of them as soon as possible. Invest the proceeds in a stable, long-term security, like baseball trading cards or Beanie Babies.
Q: How has the market meltdown affected you?
A: It has been nothing short of catastrophic. I have three funds in my RRSP, and they are down an average of 26.7% in the past month. I have lost literally tens and tens of dollars.
Q: $700,000,000,000.00 for the bailout sounds like a lot of money, doesn’t it?
A: Well, it does when you write it with all those zeroes. If you just write “700 billion” it doesn’t really seem so big.
Q: What do you think the feds should do to correct the situation?
A: I was very pleased to hear that the central banks slashed interest rates this morning to make cheap credit available to those in need. We can only get through this if Joe Six Pack can borrow more money and then spend it on bigger homes and consumer goods like cars and televisions. We need to live beyond our means for the good of the country.
Q: Wait, I thought the American public’s reliance on cheap credit is what got us into this problem in the first place.
A: First, that’s not a question. Second, now is not the time to point fingers or worry about the future. This is not a problem that requires careful thought and consideration – it’s a problem that requires immediate action and unwavering belief in the fiscal policies of our conservative leadership.
That’s all the time I have for today. Tomorrow I’ll answer your questions on the Middle East peace process.