I’m not a hateful person, but there are a few things in this world for which I have developed a strong dislike. At this moment, it’s boxer briefs with buttons on the closure.

These boxers look great on the box. I know that underwear models don’t require any kinds of further enhancements in the crotch-al area, but the buttons on the front add a certain element of class and sophistication that is appealing.

The reality is the buttons are a pain in the ass. They’re really small, and it can take several attempts to get them done up right. In the privacy of your own home it’s not a big deal, but when you’re standing at a urinal beside another guy, it can feel like an eternity. You start worrying that it’s taking too long, that your fumbling will be mistaken for something else, and who knows what might happen from there.

Sometimes you don’t quite get the button fully through, and as a result it comes undone several minutes later. It’s an awful feeling knowing that your little, I mean, big fellow has sprung free of the first barrier and is making a break for it. Free Willy indeed.

This discomfort would be worth it if they made my abs look like the guy on the box, but sadly that is not the case. As a result, I’ll be retiring the button-front boxers and returning to the old stand-bys. It’s either that or I need to greatly enhance my digital dexterity, and I just don’t have the time.