As I begin to take a nostalgic look back at the year 2010, one theme stands out above all others – this has truly been the year of the dentist.

It all started in April when A came home with a swollen cheek. I thought it was the mumps, so I took him to the doctor. She peered into his mouth and said, “It’s not the mumps, but he does have a badly abscessed molar.”

A couple of days later we were at our family dentist, a rather burly man with sausage-like fingers. He doesn’t relate well to kids, and the 45 minutes he spent heroically trying to save A’s tooth seemed like an eternity. When he finally concluded that the dead tooth would have to come out after all, and he reached for the large pliers, A decided that he’d had enough for one day and refused to open his mouth. The dentist essentially threw up his arms and said, “I can do no more for this child. He must go somewhere else. They will have to knock him out.”

Fortunately, that unhappy appointment led us to Kids and Teens Dentistry. Despite being an incredibly busy clinic, they quickly found a spot for A the next week. After an initial consult, we got the verdict: not only would the abscessed (and now hollowed out) molar need to be removed, but he had a number of cavities, some of which would require crowns. Despite assurances from the dentist that the damage was simply caused by a specific bacteria and weak enamel, we still felt like horrible parents. Six visits later, he had two extractions, two spacers, two crowns, and fillings…lots of fillings.

In September, it was K’s turn. Although the initial check-up didn’t indicate any problems, X-rays revealed he had a number of cavities as well. So, it was four more visits back to the dentist for more crowns and fillings, but fortunately, no extractions.

Last month, it was my turn. My visit to the dentist started with one of those fancy new 360° X-rays that generates a panoramic picture of your mouth. The hygienist looked at the image and said, “Wow, that’s interesting”, and called over a colleague. She pointed to one spot on my lower jaw and said, “That wisdom tooth is coming in sideways. That’s a little unusual.” She pointed to another spot on my upper jaw. “That wisdom tooth is up near your ear,” she said. “We really don’t see that very often”. Awesome.

This week I went to a specialist. He looked at the X-ray and said, “They’ll both have to come out eventually.” I sighed. He said a few more things, including my personal favourite – “You’re way past the threshold of this being easy.”

So, sometime in the next 12 months, when I screw up the courage to actually go through with it, I’ll be put to sleep and they will freeze, slice, drill, saw, and stitch my mouth. My cheeks will balloon like a greedy chipmunk. I may lose sensation in my lip and the tip of my tongue – perhaps permanently. My record of no painful or invasive medical procedures will come to an end at 38 years.

On the positive side, it has been 25+ years since the Tooth Fairy visited me. I’m pretty sure she’s going to owe me big time for this one.

According to a recent study, the average U.S. teen sends 3,339 texts per month.  It sounds like a crazy number, but after watching how my 7-year-old son has taken to it, I’m a believer.

Over the past month, A has gotten into texting in a big way.  It began as a way of passing the time while B and the boys waited in the car – by the end of the week, he was asking for my iPhone every morning so he could text with Mommy.  He quickly figured out how to send pictures and attach video.  I’m surprised he hasn’t asked for an iPhone for Christmas.

If you’re curious about what a Grade 2 kid’s texts look like, here’s a little sample (B’s texts in gray, A’s texts in green).

I think most people have decided that on-line comment pages have become useless. What was supposed to be one of the great advantages of on-line news content – engaging, user-created dialogue about topical issues – has become an arena for trolls, petty partisan bickering, failed attempts at humour, and appalling grammar.  For example, an article on today’s Globe and Mail site about the death of Elizabeth Edwards included the following comment:  Now pretty boy John-John is free to go screw as many whores as he wants.

Charming.

There are some places where the comments sections are still worth reading, and perhaps the funniest examples can be found on an unlikely humour site – Amazon.com.  I don’t know how long this has been going on, but some genuinely funny / creative people have been taking over the reviews section for unusual items.  Here are a couple of my favourites.

The Mountain Three Wolf One Moon Short Sleeve Tee

Most items don’t get 1,846 reviews, let alone howling wolf shirts.  Apparently this meme was born nearly two years ago, but somehow I missed it until last week.  The meme was popular enough to make this masterpiece one of the top selling apparel items of 2009.  Or perhaps the reviews are all true and it really does imbue you with untold power.

AudioQuest K2 Terminated Speaker Cable

I’m not the kind of guy who spends $6,800 on an 8′ speaker cable, but if I was, these are the ones I would buy.  Most of the reviewers agree that these $6,800 cables possess magical powers – one fan even claims “Using these cables, and only using these cables, I was finally able to hear an auditory gem that has been long rumored among music connaisseurs – Aretha Franklin’s stress-fart just prior to her high A in her recording of You’re All I Need to Get By.”

You can’t put a price on that kind of quality.

True story. Last night, a stranger came to our door. I let him in, and he stayed for about 30 minutes. He left with $1,069.

That’s the short version.

When B arrived home last night with the boys, the furnace was making a weird sound and the house smelled like burnt plastic. As neither of us are licensed furnace repair people, we called in an expert for a special after-hours visit ($169 plus tax).

About an hour later, a man pulled up in a repair van and I led him to the basement. He unscrewed the furnace cover and poked around for a second. “Weird noise, burnt smell…looks like you got yourself a broken blower motor” he said.

He pulled out a laminated sheet from his file folder and pointed to a number. “That’s what it’ll cost to replace it. I think I might have a new motor in the truck.”

The number he was pointing to was $770. Plus tax.

It’s a weird position to be in. A stranger is in my house, there’s no heat, it’s getting colder outside, and he wants me to give him $1,000 on the spot to make it all better. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had “SUCKER” written all over me. It’s the same feeling I get when the mechanic says “You need a new something-something and we had to replace the thingamajig.”

Of course I said yes, and we’re the proud owners of a beautiful new blower motor. It’s not exactly the Christmas present I had in mind for my wife, but I think she’ll appreciate my attempt to spread holiday warmth throughout the entire house.