Monthly Archives: October 2007

Oct 30 2007

Lock Up Your Bikes

From today’s The Daily Telegraph…

Man Who Had Sex With Bike in Court

A man has been placed on the sex offenders’ register after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle.

Robert Stewart was discovered in his room by two cleaners at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr, south west Scotland, in October last year.

On Wednesday Mr Stewart admitted to sexual breach of the peace in Ayr Sheriff Court, where depute fiscal Gail Davidson described how he had been found by the hostel workers.

She said: “They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

“They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down.

“The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex.”

Both witnesses, who were extremely shocked, notified the hotel manager, who in turn alerted the police.

Mr Stewart was placed on the sex offenders’ register but his sentence was deferred until next month.

He is not the first man to be convicted of a sexual offence involving an inanimate object, however.

Karl Watkins, an electrician, was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch, Worcs, in 1993.
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I’m pretty sure that sex with pavement is the least pleasurable thing I can imagine.

Oct 29 2007

Now That’s Good Reading

I was standing in line at Shopper’s for quite a while on Sunday morning, waiting for the crazy old lady in front of me to check her small mountain of lottery tickets. As I scanned the various celeb mags, with their usual roundup of scandalous stories involving Britney, Angelina, and people who apparently are celebrities (even though I’ve never heard of them), an old standby caught my eye.Cosmopolitan.

Wow, what a magazine! Just check out this month’s cover stories.

What’s your sex style?

GUYS’ SEX CONFESSIONS. Surprising Stuff They Don’t Want From You in the Sack.

Why You Should be a Jealous Bitch! And 6 Other Relationship Secrets.

Bed-Me Eyes. Supersexy Hues.

YOUR PERIOD. The Most Important News We’ve Heard in Years.

The Hottest Things to Do to a Man With Your Hands

100 Outrageous Facts About Men

“I Know What Your Boyfriend Did Last Night”. A Love Spy Tells All.

Now this is a publication that knows how to capture a reader’s attention. I think a magazine like The New Yorker, with its dull cover illustrations and distressing lack of text, could learn a thing or two about sizzle from Cosmo.

Gotta run – I have to finish reading the list of 100 outrageous facts about men. Number 37? Men are afraid of commitment. Totally outrageous!

Oct 23 2007

Who Stole My Credit Card?

A couple of weeks ago, I noticed my corporate credit card was missing. I hadn’t used it in a while, and I just assumed one of the boys had taken it from my wallet when we were playing. I looked all over the place, but couldn’t find it.

Before asking Finance for a new card, I checked my statement on line. Imagine my surprise when I saw six new transactions totalling nearly $500. Someone had taken my card and gone on a little shopping spree in Gatineau. In just a few hours, the little bugger spent:

$64 at Video Super Choix
$60 at two gas stations
$136 at Chez Tante Marie
$142 at the Liquor Store
$55 at Brasserie de l’Ile

Given this useful information and my un-paralleled powers of deduction, I have determined that the thief is at least 18 years old, probably speaks French, watches movies, drives a car (probably an SUV as he / she visited two gas stations on the same day), enjoys alcoholic beverages, and prefers bars to fine dining. What a prick.

Anyway, I had a phone call this morning from BMO Mastercard security, and I figured it was just a follow-up call about the theft. It turns out there were a couple of suspicious attempts at using my personal Mastercard in Montreal over the weekend. Someone at a bar tried to charge $1.00, which the security guy said is a way of testing whether the card information the thief has is useable. Fortunately the guy had the wrong expiration date and the transaction got flagged. In any case, BMO is cancelling my personal card for the second time this year and sending me a new one.

So, the moral of the story? The bad guys are smarter than you. Get rid of all your cards – credit, debit, line of credit, everything. Cash rules. From now on, I’m carrying around a big fat wad of twenties and going gangster.

Oct 22 2007

The Daily Show

When people ask me what my favourite part of taking parental leave was, they usually expect something along the lines of “Oh, just spending quality time with my little boy and marvelling in the growing bond between father and son”. In all honesty, the best part was watching The Daily Show at 9:00 am every morning on Comedy Central.

Unfortunately, my job puts a serious crimp in my morning television routine, and the kids extract every ounce of energy I have, so there’s no way I can actually stay up until 11:00 pm every night to watch Jon Stewart skewer George W. and his band of hawkish advisors.

But now, thanks to American media conglomerate Viacom, I can satisfy my cravings for satirical political analysis anytime I want with the new Daily Show website. It features an archive of about 13,000 clips from the past eight years, which should take you at least an hour or two to browse through.

The video below is from an episode that aired about 5 years ago. If you have children who like to clean, or if you’re a fan of vintage porn, then this clip is for you.

Oct 17 2007

Customer Service

I’m currently on hold with BMO Mastercard, again. I recently had my corporate credit card stolen, and I’m trying to activate my new card. This is the sixth time in the past few days I’ve called, and I have never actually managed to talk to anyone.

Apparently they are experiencing “higher than usual call volume, with wait times in excess of 20 minutes”. Normally I’d be a little upset at the inconvenience, but the nice lady on the message keeps saying how important I am and they apologize for the delay, so I guess that makes everything O.K.

I know it’s cliché to complain about the airlines, but Air Canada does seem to have some problems. On Sunday, they only had one agent taking bags at check-in, leading to a really long line. When questioned about the lack of agents, he said “Yeah, it’s always busy on Sundays”. If it’s always busy, then a reasonable person might decide that more staff are required. Unfortunately, logic seems to be lost on these people.

On the actual flight to Vancouver, we didn’t get a drink until three hours into the flight. Three hours! I have been on hour-long flights where they come around twice, and these guys can’t walk the length of a plane in 180 minutes? It’s not like they’re making lattés and martinis for everyone, they’re giving people a glass and a can of pop.

Well, I’m still on hold, and the music BMO is subjecting me to is negatively affecting my usually sunny disposition. I’m tempted to hang up, but I think that’s what they want me to do. Is it still called customer service if you never actually have to talk to the customer?