Dear Thieving Bastard,

A few days ago, you went to a bank machine in St. Laurent, Quebec and withdrew $500 from my personal chequing account. I suppose you think you’re a big man, getting free money through such nefarious means, but I don’t think you’ve given much thought to the impact of your actions.

The theft hurt me a little bit. It was a pain in the ass calling the bank to report the theft, and I had to spend some time walking to the branch to get a new card. The bank has completed its investigation and put the money back in my account, so I haven’t really suffered that much.

You should feel sorry for the bank. This poor institution recently reported flat second quarter results, with a modest profit of only $879 million. Your actions will have a direct negative impact on shareholders, who are already questioning the security of their investments. Times are tough enough as it is for financial institutions – they don’t need guys like you undermining their confidence even more.

No, the person you’re really cheating is yourself. You obviously have a good head on your shoulders – you managed to forge a bank card and bypass the bank’s sophisticated security system, which is pretty impressive. Wouldn’t you feel better about yourself if you used your skills for good instead of evil? Why not try volunteering at a non-profit to set up a wireless network for their office? The satisfaction you’ll get in helping others will far outweigh any enjoyment you’ll get from spending your ill-gotten gains on fine cars and exotic vacations.

So do the right thing – return the $500 to the bank along with a hand-written apology. They’re nice people, and I’m sure all will be forgiven. If not, I will see to it personally that you are brought to justice.

Sincerely,

The Dearlove