An Open Letter to Vancouver

Dear Vancouver,

I know we don’t see each other all that much, so it may come as a surprise that I have a bit of a crush on you. Don’t worry – I don’t think it’s going anywhere. You have lots of potential suitors, and I know you’re way out of my league.

If I can be honest here for a second, I think you’re looking a little stressed out these days. I know you’ve got a big party coming up and you’re all “Oh dear, what will the world think of me”, but you should relax a little bit. You’re a natural beauty, and you really don’t need to tart yourself up so much. People are going to like you for who you are, and if they don’t, well, you don’t need fairweather friends like that.

You need to slow down. Put down the jackhammers and welding torches and take a walk. That’s right, a walk, not a run. What’s with all the running? You’re always in such a hurry – I took a walk in Stanley Park and was nearly trampled by packs of incredibly lean fitness freaks. Even the women who aren’t running are wearing tights and lululemon™ pants, as if they might spontaneously launch into a run at any moment. It comes off as a little obsessive / compulsive.

As a start, you may want to confront your coffee addiction. Don’t deny it – it’s obvious. There’s a pusher on every street corner, peddling quick hits of Columbian black. Don’t let the pretty designs in your latté foam fool you – it’s a drug, and it makes you do funny things.

I’m really trying not to focus on the negative, so I’m not even going to bring up the cost of housing or that problem you’ve got going on down there on the East Side. You’re young and still have things to work out, so I’ll just give you some space and check in a little later to see how you’re doing.

In the meantime, I will think of you often and ponder what might have been, and what might still be.

With love,


5 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Vancouver

  1. Dear CSD,

    It’s Calgary here. You remember me? We flirted a few times in the past. Now I know why I haven’t heard from you in awhile. You shack up with Ottawa but lollygag my sisters all across the country. I always thought you underestimated the curves of my flowing foothills and the pointy peaks of my full-bodied mountains.

  2. Dear Calgary,

    I did love you in my youth, but money and greed have changed you from a fun-loving frontier town to a superficial metropolis with delusions of grandeur.

    I have come to appreciate the more mature, quiet charms of Ottawa. It’s true that the mountains here are older and much smaller than I’d like, but with two young boys, I don’t have many opportunities to play on them anyway.

  3. Oh my god i haven’t laughed so hard in a while… don’t let Bronwen read that last part 🙂
    you are a hilarious.

  4. Toronto was my first love. As a young man, I was taken by its energy and vitality, its exoticism.

    Tragically, Toronto let itself go, foresaking its natural beauty and consuming everything in sight. From time to time I will catch a glimpse of the Toronto I once knew, but mostly my first crush has become a stranger.

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