I have struggled for years with a desire to have a great physique. Let’s be honest, if I have abs, they’re hiding beneath a few layers of subcutaneous fat. The last time I had muscles was the summer of 1992 when I was making concrete lawn ornaments, and even those modest biceps disappeared within weeks of returning to school.Having reached my mid-30’s, I figure my chances of developing a ripped look are getting slimmer by the day. I’ve done a lot of reading about various fitness programs, and I’ve come up with a my own unique plan.I’m going to star in a major motion picture, preferably an action-adventure movie.It’s perfect. I’ll become an action hero, and a big Hollywood studio will set me up with a personal trainer who will whip me into shape in a matter of weeks. I’ll be motivated by the thought (fear) of millions of people seeing me without my shirt on, not to mention the multi-million dollar payday that will be waiting for me.Think about it – Hollywood is filled with average-looking male actors who developed amazing physiques for movie roles. Take Arnold Schwarzenegger, for example. Before Conan the Barbarian, Arnold was just a skinny Austrian thespian. Then he gets cast as Conan, spends a few weeks in a gym, and boom – he looks like Mr. Olympia.Or consider my doppleganger, Mike Myers. In So I Married an Axe Murderer, he looked like me – pale, soft, and totally unremarkable. Then he got the role of Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, and he developed an amazingly muscular physique befitting a world-class secret agent.I’ve sent my CV and some headshots to a number of big agents already, and I’m just waiting for the offers to roll in. I’m really counting on an action flick, although I’d be willing to consider a television drama (no sitcoms please – those guys are all pretty dumpy looking). Hopefully they won’t take too long to get back to me with a vehicle, as I’d really like to be in shape by the time Christmas rolls around.On the off-chance that this plan doesn’t work out, I’ve thought about some possible back-ups that would also give me a great body. I could be a Calvin Klein underwear model (they’re all got amazing abs), a professional athlete (perhaps Mixed Martial Arts or sprinter), or the male lead in a major ballet company. It would be nice if it paid a lot of money, but that would just be a bonus.Oops, gotta go – my extra-large all-meat pizza just arrived and my ice cream is melting.
One thought on “My New Fitness Plan”
Mike Myers is going to play Keith Moon. You are a natural fit to play his percussively inclined stunt double!