Dearlove.ca » Rants

An Embarrassment of Riches

The Dearlove — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 14:41:00 +0000

The best thing about ushering in 2008 is that all of us are saving money thanks to the considerate folks running our country – you know, the Conservatives. With the GST reduced by another 1%, I’ll have more cash in hand to support our struggling manufacturing and retail sectors.

Why, just in one day, my family saved a considerable amount on our various purchases. Here’s a quick snapshot of money saved to date:

Medium non-fat chai latté from Second Cup: $0.03
Grande latté from Starbucks: $0.03
Lunch at Arturo’s: $0.12
Extras Season 2 DVD: $0.23
Sweater for Aidan: $0.08

That adds up to 51 cents, my friends. If I invest that in an RRSP, I will also receive a refund of 20 cents on my 2007 tax return. At this rate, it will only take me 2,058 days to save enough money from the GST cut to pay for one month of Kieran’s daycare. Of course, by that time he’ll be in grade 3. It’s the thought that counts…

The Christmas Rant

The Dearlove — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 02:53:00 +0000

I’ve had a Christmas rant building inside me for months now. It began when I saw Christmas trees in Costco in August and picked up strength with the unpleasant arrival of Christmas carols in retail stores on November 1st. The sudden proliferation of tiny kiosks peddling kitsch in the malls bothered me, as did the self-imposed pressure to find the perfect gift. I’ve had Norm McDonald’s line from Weekend Update running through my head for weeks – “Happy birthday, Jesus. Hope you like crap”.

Yesterday, however, a miracle happened. It snowed and snowed and snowed, and the world was forced to slow down. I have this romantic notion that yesterday’s storm changed us from stressed-out consumers to blissed-out children, at least for one day. I marveled at the height of the snowbank in front of our house and loved seeing people ski down our little street. I pulled Aidan around the neighbourhood on a sled over roads that were otherwise unusable, and was thankful for the chance to share the experience with him.

So far, December has been a nice throwback to the winters of my youth, or at least the way I pictured them through young eyes. Sure, driving hasn’t been fun at times, and my back seized up a few times today after I strained it while shoveling the driveway, but I feel so, well, Canadian. Recent winters have been characterized by a remarkable absence of snow and drama, so it’s nice to be reminded of the unforgiving environment that our founding fathers (and mothers) braved when they chose to settle here. There’s the feeling that we’re witnessing something special, a once-every-thirty-years kind of winter that people will talk about for years to come. Come on, Mother Nature, show us what ya got.

I’ll leave you with a couple of pictures of Aidan. In this one, he’s almost hidden by our little snow mountain.

Here’s my little sherpa perched on top of our personal Matterhorn.

Now That’s Good Reading

The Dearlove — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 13:20:00 +0000

I was standing in line at Shopper’s for quite a while on Sunday morning, waiting for the crazy old lady in front of me to check her small mountain of lottery tickets. As I scanned the various celeb mags, with their usual roundup of scandalous stories involving Britney, Angelina, and people who apparently are celebrities (even though I’ve never heard of them), an old standby caught my eye.Cosmopolitan.

Wow, what a magazine! Just check out this month’s cover stories.

What’s your sex style?

GUYS’ SEX CONFESSIONS. Surprising Stuff They Don’t Want From You in the Sack.

Why You Should be a Jealous Bitch! And 6 Other Relationship Secrets.

Bed-Me Eyes. Supersexy Hues.

YOUR PERIOD. The Most Important News We’ve Heard in Years.

The Hottest Things to Do to a Man With Your Hands

100 Outrageous Facts About Men

“I Know What Your Boyfriend Did Last Night”. A Love Spy Tells All.

Now this is a publication that knows how to capture a reader’s attention. I think a magazine like The New Yorker, with its dull cover illustrations and distressing lack of text, could learn a thing or two about sizzle from Cosmo.

Gotta run – I have to finish reading the list of 100 outrageous facts about men. Number 37? Men are afraid of commitment. Totally outrageous!

Customer Service

The Dearlove — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 15:32:00 +0000

I’m currently on hold with BMO Mastercard, again. I recently had my corporate credit card stolen, and I’m trying to activate my new card. This is the sixth time in the past few days I’ve called, and I have never actually managed to talk to anyone.

Apparently they are experiencing “higher than usual call volume, with wait times in excess of 20 minutes”. Normally I’d be a little upset at the inconvenience, but the nice lady on the message keeps saying how important I am and they apologize for the delay, so I guess that makes everything O.K.

I know it’s cliché to complain about the airlines, but Air Canada does seem to have some problems. On Sunday, they only had one agent taking bags at check-in, leading to a really long line. When questioned about the lack of agents, he said “Yeah, it’s always busy on Sundays”. If it’s always busy, then a reasonable person might decide that more staff are required. Unfortunately, logic seems to be lost on these people.

On the actual flight to Vancouver, we didn’t get a drink until three hours into the flight. Three hours! I have been on hour-long flights where they come around twice, and these guys can’t walk the length of a plane in 180 minutes? It’s not like they’re making lattés and martinis for everyone, they’re giving people a glass and a can of pop.

Well, I’m still on hold, and the music BMO is subjecting me to is negatively affecting my usually sunny disposition. I’m tempted to hang up, but I think that’s what they want me to do. Is it still called customer service if you never actually have to talk to the customer?

Christmas in July

The Dearlove — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 00:42:00 +0000

I’ve written about this before, but what the hell is up with retailers these days? Maybe it’s just me, but stores seem to be using different calendars than the rest of us.

First it was the “End of Summer Sale” at American Eagle on July 5th. Is it too much to ask to be able to buy a pair of shorts in August instead of down-filled jackets? The next day, I saw the first “Back to School” ad, a vicious and and insensitive reminder to our youth of the fleeting nature of summer vacation. On July 31st, I saw Christmas trees on sale at Costco. I was going to get one, but they only came in packs of six…

The kicker for me was on August 22nd, when I noticed a whole wall of Halloween costumes on sale at The Children’s Place. I simply can’t imagine there are parents out there who were all geared up to get little Johnny the cutest little pony costume 70 days early. It’s not like they’re limited edition outfits, people – they’ve got warehouses full of that crap, and it’ll be half price in six weeks.

This madness isn’t limited just to retailers. The Weinstein Company produced Rob Zombie’s latest blood-soaked offering Halloween. Back in the good old days, a movie with the title Halloween would have been released, oh, I don’t know, maybe sometime around October 31st. Instead, in what I thought was a stupid move, the Weinsteins opened the movie on August 31st (of course, it made $26 million US in its first week, so what the hell do I know).

I guess you can’t argue with progress – the public has spoken, and obviously we all want to have months and months to agonize over what to buy. If you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll head out and stock up on my Valentine’s Day cards.

Bye Bye Summer

The Dearlove — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 02:28:00 +0000

I’m not sure how this happened, but apparently the summer passed me by. I thought it was just getting started, but my local American Eagle Outfitters store has a big “Summer End Sale On Now” sign in the window. This sucks, as I haven’t even started my vacation yet.Any bets on when the first “Back to School Sale” starts? I’ll put $5 on July 17th. Seriously, it’s not fair to kids today that they barely get three weeks into summer vacation before the flyers start arriving, serving as a painful reminder that they only have seven weeks to stock up on pencil crayons.FYI, I may have been mistaken, but I think I saw Halloween candy being unloaded at Loblaws…

The Great Fabric Shortage

The Dearlove — Mon, 28 May 2007 02:09:00 +0000

Over the last few years, I have noticed a disturbing trend. Clothes seem to be getting smaller, resulting in a much higher incidence of exposed flesh. Parts of the body that used to be revealed only to doctors and spouses are now on display for all to see.I can only conclude that we are facing a severe fabric shortage. It makes sense that as the world’s population continues to increase, the amount of material available for each individual decreases. Look back at the 1800′s, when there were far less people around. Women wore long skirts, stockings, blouses, jackets, crinolines, etc. all the time. They flaunted their access to cheap, plentiful wools and cottons by donning layer upon layer, even in the height of summer.Today, we are confronted with mini-skirts, short shorts, tank tops, crop tops, and thongs. This shrinking wardrobe seems to be especially prevalent among young females. I guess their parents have spent so much money on big houses, fast cars, flat-screen televisions and the other necessities of 21st century life that they cannot afford clothing that offers full coverage.This problem even seems to affect the well-to-do. I often encounter girls from private schools who are forced to wear tiny kilts that are hardly larger than thick belts. I assume they received their kilts in grade 4 and have had to make do with them all the way through high school. Even young Britney cannot afford a decent pair of knickers, and if she can’t, what chance do the rest of us working-class folk have?So, we must find new alternatives before we completely run out of our natural and synthetic fibres. I urge scientists and fashionistas to join forces to ensure our children’s children can cover up the naughty bits, and hopefully just a little bit more.

Ugh

The Dearlove — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 01:34:00 +0000

Pussycat Dolls: Search for the Next Doll – worst show ever. It is a damning indictment of our society that millions of dollars are spent producing crap like this. I’m embarrassed that I even know this show exists. Shame, shame, shame.

A Moratorium on New Year’s Greetings

The Dearlove — Thu, 18 Jan 2007 14:04:00 +0000

Can we, as a society, agree on a date after which one cannot use “Happy New Year” as a greeting? I passed an acquaintance in the hall yesterday and was met with a half-hearted “Happy New Year”.I found it really odd that on January 18 I would still be hearing those words. A few years ago, someone said it to me around January 28th. Did this individual suddenly come out of a four-week coma and hadn’t yet had a chance to look at a calendar? It just strikes me as being completely insincere and lazy.So, let’s agree on a date. How about January 7th? Everyone gets a week to get “Happy New Year” out of their system. After that, it’s off limits.Now, as far as questions like “How was your Christmas?”, I think we can extend the deadline a bit – maybe January 14th. However, if you’re still asking that question on February 1, then I think you may need to brush up on your small talk.Here endeth the rant.