I have struggled for years with a desire to have a great physique. Let’s be honest, if I have abs, they’re hiding beneath a few layers of subcutaneous fat. The last time I had muscles was the summer of 1992 when I was making concrete lawn ornaments, and even those modest biceps disappeared within weeks of returning to school.Having reached my mid-30′s, I figure my chances of developing a ripped look are getting slimmer by the day. I’ve done a lot of reading about various fitness programs, and I’ve come up with a my own unique plan.I’m going to star in a major motion picture, preferably an action-adventure movie.It’s perfect. I’ll become an action hero, and a big Hollywood studio will set me up with a personal trainer who will whip me into shape in a matter of weeks. I’ll be motivated by the thought (fear) of millions of people seeing me without my shirt on, not to mention the multi-million dollar payday that will be waiting for me.Think about it – Hollywood is filled with average-looking male actors who developed amazing physiques for movie roles. Take Arnold Schwarzenegger, for example. Before Conan the Barbarian, Arnold was just a skinny Austrian thespian. Then he gets cast as Conan, spends a few weeks in a gym, and boom – he looks like Mr. Olympia.Or consider my doppleganger, Mike Myers. In So I Married an Axe Murderer, he looked like me – pale, soft, and totally unremarkable. Then he got the role of Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, and he developed an amazingly muscular physique befitting a world-class secret agent.I’ve sent my CV and some headshots to a number of big agents already, and I’m just waiting for the offers to roll in. I’m really counting on an action flick, although I’d be willing to consider a television drama (no sitcoms please – those guys are all pretty dumpy looking). Hopefully they won’t take too long to get back to me with a vehicle, as I’d really like to be in shape by the time Christmas rolls around.On the off-chance that this plan doesn’t work out, I’ve thought about some possible back-ups that would also give me a great body. I could be a Calvin Klein underwear model (they’re all got amazing abs), a professional athlete (perhaps Mixed Martial Arts or sprinter), or the male lead in a major ballet company. It would be nice if it paid a lot of money, but that would just be a bonus.Oops, gotta go – my extra-large all-meat pizza just arrived and my ice cream is melting.

I am happy to announce that after nine years and countless receptions, parties, and press events, I have finally arrived as a bona fide social climber. Today, my name appeared in bold type in the Ottawa Citizen’s Around Town column. Not only that, but they printed my picture as well (double chin and all).

For years, I have opened my Monday paper to read breathless accounts of the big parties in town – the fashion, the champagne, the political movers and shakers rubbing elbows with the captains of industry. I have always been envious of the glamourous people with their names in bold type – some of them seem to be in the column every week (Alex Munter, Marlen Cowpland, etc). The fact that my name was always absent did much to diminish my overall confidence and feelings of self-worth.

As of today, though, I am on the map. Now all of Ottawa knows that I was at the post-concert reception for our new Concertmaster on Tuesday night, along with Pinchas Zukerman, Colin Cooke, and Vernon Turner. Having been validated by the local media, I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before the invites to all the hot events start pouring in.

I’ll keep you posted on my transformation from a lowly worker bee to a glamourous social butterfly.