A :  “K, don’t you remember?  Mommy and Daddy are always right.”  (Amen, son.)

…..

K:  “Daddy, I don’t want to watch Harry Poppins”.  (He got Mary Poppins and Harry Potter mixed up.  Actually, that would be a hell of a movie.)

…..

A:  “Daddy, can we get a whip and a pistol?”  (It sounds like Indiana Jones has infiltrated the Junior Kindergarten playground, which is a little scary.)

Every morning between 06:30 and 06:45, I awaken to the pitter patter of footsteps coming toward the bed.  This is followed by K’s sweet voice saying, “Daddy, I have to go poop”.  I generally roll over and respond with “You know what to do”.

The next couple of minutes are spent listening to him struggle to get his pants and night-time underwear off – it’s basically the same as hitting the snooze button.  The silence is sometimes broken by a running commentary, like, “Oh, that’s a stinky one”.

Eventually I hear, “Dad, I’m finished”, which means sleep time is effectively over.  I have no choice but to roll out of bed and begin my day by wiping the bum of a 2-year old boy.  On the plus side, it also means that my day can only get better.  Usually…

According to Wikipedia, the world’s leading authority on all topics, Millie is a renowned R & B artist who rose to fame in the 1970’s. Her early style was characterized by an innovative rap style of racy, raunchy language, which I’m sure will come as a shock to those who are familiar with her album covers. Her hits include such titles as “Hot! Wild! Unrestricted! Crazy Love”, “Younger Man, Older Woman”, and “Butt-A-Cize”

Although Millie has not released a record in seven years, her previous albums have attained cult status. Here are a few of my personal favourites…

1.  E.S.P. (Extra Sexual Persuasion).  This one’s a classic.  I gaze deeply into the crystal ball, and I see sagging in Millie’s future.

2.  Feelin’ Bitchy.  Bitchy isn’t the first word that came to mind when I saw this cover.  Hungry, maybe?  Needy?  Chapped?

3.  Just a Lil’ Bit Country.  I guess Millie decided she need to branch out and reach a whole new audience.  I’m just a lil’ bit worried about what she’s planning to do with that horse.

4.  Back to the Sh*t.  This is my new pick as the most awesome album cover of all time – I simply can’t get it out of my head.  As if the cover wasn’t enough, the album also includes the memorable song “Muffle That Fart”. 

It amazes me that someone (actually, several people), must have thought this was a good way to drive record sales.  In a way they were right, as original copies are going for $50 on some sites.  And am I the only one who thinks she looks like Oprah?

The two words I am adding today are not actually real words, as far as I can tell. However, they’ve infiltrated the vernacular and are really starting to tick me off.

The first “word” is vajayjay. I did a little research, and apparently we have Grey’s Anatomy to thank for this abomination. It was used in an episode from February 2006 to spare us from the word “vagina”, and was quickly adopted by scores of pop culture celebs, including Oprah, Tyra, and Kimmel. I believe it was uttered no fewer than 18 times on an episode of The View, permanently scarring several audience members in the process.

A linguist (no word on whether he’s cunning) at Berkeley claims that vajayjay fills the need women have to adopt a pet name for their “special place”. If that’s the case, they need to go back to the drawing board. If they need inspiration, they can look to men. After all, we’ve come up with dozens of substitutes for penis – we certainly didn’t stop at “pee-pee”.

Next up is all words beginning with a lower-case “i”. Unless it’s a product created by Apple, “i-anything” should be banned. Even Apple’s use is starting to wear thin (iPod, iMac, iPhone, iTunes, iRan, iRaq, etc.)

In recent months, I have seen ads for iLoft and iSauna. I suppose marketing folks think they’re being hip by trying to associate their product with Apple’s reputation for design and innovation, but I think it comes off as desperate and sad. Jesus, people, it’s just another condo, it’s just a sauna, not a statement on your commitment to leading-edge technology.

So there you go, the list of banned words now includes slacks, whiff, vajayjay, and i-anything. Trust me – those are four words you really don’t want to use in the same sentence…

Kieran:  “Daddy, what is that smell?  It smells like my dinner.”

So, a budding food critic or a comedian-in-training?  Only time will tell.

It brings a tear to my eye every time.

New Treatment for C. difficile

Earlier this month, Canadian doctors announced a new treatment for patients suffering from Clostridium difficile. More commonly known as C. difficile, it’s a superbug that often occurs in hospital settings and has been responsible for more than 2,000 deaths in Quebec in recent years. In severe cases, the bug releases a toxin that can lead to months of severe diarrhea.

According to Dr. Louis Francescutti, of the Alberta Centre for Injury Control and Research, there is now a cheap and effective treatment for patients.

It’s called a fecal transplant.

A close relative of the patient collects his / her healthy feces for a period of around five days and brings it to the doctor, preferably in an airtight container. The fetid donation is then combined with saline, shaken (not stirred), and the frothy mixture is pumped into the patient’s colon. The donated fecal matter contains healthy bacteria, which bloom inside the patient’s digestive track and fight off the infection. It has proven to be remarkably effective, and often only requires one treatment (thankfully).

Despite its effectiveness, the treatment has not been widely accepted in Canada’s medical community. When asked why he wouldn’t perform the procedure, one doctor stated, “Umm, because that’s really gross. I did not spend six years in medical school so I could spend my day whipping up fecal shakes.”

Personally, I think the treatment suffers from poor branding. Consumers these days need a catchy name, and anything with the word “fecal” in its name is just not going to sell. Human probiotic infusion, or HPI, is way better – it’s even an anagram of ‘hip’. Design a cute mascot, sponsor some tailgate parties, get Brad Pitt to be a celebrity endorser, and I guarantee you’ll be seeing a lot more HPI’s in the future.

It turns out the e-mail was originally a blog post on the site 15minutelunch.blogspot.com. The actual post can be found by clicking here (if you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it).

What I find interesting is that up until October, the blogger, Johnny Virgil, was simply writing a funny blog. He’d usually get around 300 visits a day, which is actually a pretty impressive number.

Then, on October 12, he posted the JC Penney story. Within a few days, it goes viral as friends forward it to friends. By November 2, he peaks at 49,000 visits in one day! The post has more than 500 comments, and suddenly little Johnny Virgil is a big name in the blogosphere.

I think I’ll follow in Johnny V’s footsteps and aim to go viral myself. I have a 1981 BiWay flyer that’s just asking to be scanned and mocked.

Man Who Had Sex With Bike in Court

A man has been placed on the sex offenders’ register after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle.

Robert Stewart was discovered in his room by two cleaners at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr, south west Scotland, in October last year.

On Wednesday Mr Stewart admitted to sexual breach of the peace in Ayr Sheriff Court, where depute fiscal Gail Davidson described how he had been found by the hostel workers.

She said: “They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

“They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down.

“The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex.”

Both witnesses, who were extremely shocked, notified the hotel manager, who in turn alerted the police.

Mr Stewart was placed on the sex offenders’ register but his sentence was deferred until next month.

He is not the first man to be convicted of a sexual offence involving an inanimate object, however.

Karl Watkins, an electrician, was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch, Worcs, in 1993.
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I’m pretty sure that sex with pavement is the least pleasurable thing I can imagine.