As you are no doubt aware, we are living in a time of scarcity. Consumer demand for essential commodities, such as grains, oil, and gold, has created sharp price increases for many essential goods over the past year.

On the weekend, I went to purchase a scone at my favourite neighbourhood bakery. The same scone that cost $1.45 last year now set me back $2.05, an increase of 41.4%. It’s gotten to the point where I have to choose between baked goods and cigarettes, and it’s placing a lot of stress on me.

Later that day, I went to fill up my Hummer at the gas station. I could hardly believe my eyes when the pump read a final total of $112.06. As the summer approaches, I can only imagine the price will increase even more. What am I supposed to do when it pushes $150 for a fill-up, buy a Prius? Please.

Even gold and precious metals are not immune from these precipitous price increases. I went to pick out some new custom grillz this morning, and it was going to cost me a cool five g’s. How can I maintain my street cred if I can’t afford the bling?

As a result of these commodity cost increases, my first quarter results show a loss of $4,028. While revenues increased by a modest 2.5%, operating expenses were up 27.5% over the first quarter of 2007.

So, with a heavy heart, I must inform you that I am imposing a $100 per week commodity surcharge on top of my current salary. I can assure you this is not a decision I have taken lightly. I held off as long as economically possible but with the unrelenting and unprecedented increases in the cost of commodities over the last year, I am implementing this measure to offset the effect.

Please don’t mistake this for a salary increase. My salary will remain the same. I will just be taking home an additional $5,000 per year to offset commodity prices. Same salary. Slightly more money. Not a raise. A cost of living adjustment. Understand?

The Canadian economy thanks you for your commitment to my long-term financial sustainability.

With best wishes,

Mr. Dearlove