Monthly Archives: May 2008

May 15 2008

The Birthday Party

I’m a little stressed out these days. It’s not the usual suspects – work, money, marital fidelity. No, I’m losing sleep over a birthday party we’re hosting this weekend for A and K.

For some reason, the thought of having nine kids under the age of five in our home for two hours has my stomach in knots. We’re doing our best to plan interesting activities for them, but I have this feeling that after five minutes, one of the boys’ friends will say “This sucks. Where’s your Xbox?” and it will go downhill from there.

Back in my day, nearly all birthday parties were at someone’s home. I do remember being invited to Michael Jackson’s birthday party at a Burger King when I was around seven or eight [Ed. note: for clarity, it was not MJ, the alleged pedophile / entertainer]. As I recall, it took place in a dark storage room in the basement. A fun mirror leaned in one corner, obscuring a few crates of condiments. Burgers were eaten, presents were unwrapped, and we went home.

These days, birthday parties are a major growth industry. Movie theatres, museums, indoor playgrounds, and even Loblaws will gladly host your kid’s party, complete with pizza, cake, and loot bags. Mommy and Daddy need only fork over a couple of hundred dollars in exchange for two hours of peace of mind and the undying love of a grateful child. According to this news story, some parents are spending thousands of dollars on custom birthday parties. For a three-year-old. [Ed. note: Idiots.]

With less than 48 hours to go until the big event, I know I should just relax a bit. We’ve got a cool party theme, games and activities have been organized, and there will be lots of juice, cake and ice cream on hand. At the first sign of a bored kid we’ll fill’em up with sugar and bring out the water balloons. What could possibly go wrong? [Ed. note: Lots. Kids could escape and wander into neighbourhood swamp, boys could find loaded handgun in bedside table, etc.]

May 12 2008

The Age of Scarcity

Dear Employer,

As you are no doubt aware, we are living in a time of scarcity. Consumer demand for essential commodities, such as grains, oil, and gold, has created sharp price increases for many essential goods over the past year.

On the weekend, I went to purchase a scone at my favourite neighbourhood bakery. The same scone that cost $1.45 last year now set me back $2.05, an increase of 41.4%. It’s gotten to the point where I have to choose between baked goods and cigarettes, and it’s placing a lot of stress on me.

Later that day, I went to fill up my Hummer at the gas station. I could hardly believe my eyes when the pump read a final total of $112.06. As the summer approaches, I can only imagine the price will increase even more. What am I supposed to do when it pushes $150 for a fill-up, buy a Prius? Please.

Even gold and precious metals are not immune from these precipitous price increases. I went to pick out some new custom grillz this morning, and it was going to cost me a cool five g’s. How can I maintain my street cred if I can’t afford the bling?

As a result of these commodity cost increases, my first quarter results show a loss of $4,028. While revenues increased by a modest 2.5%, operating expenses were up 27.5% over the first quarter of 2007.

So, with a heavy heart, I must inform you that I am imposing a $100 per week commodity surcharge on top of my current salary. I can assure you this is not a decision I have taken lightly. I held off as long as economically possible but with the unrelenting and unprecedented increases in the cost of commodities over the last year, I am implementing this measure to offset the effect.

Please don’t mistake this for a salary increase. My salary will remain the same. I will just be taking home an additional $5,000 per year to offset commodity prices. Same salary. Slightly more money. Not a raise. A cost of living adjustment. Understand?

The Canadian economy thanks you for your commitment to my long-term financial sustainability.

With best wishes,

Mr. Dearlove

May 8 2008

A Note About Initials

You may have noticed that I’ve begun to refer to my wife and children by their initials.  This was partly prompted by this article in The Globe and Mail that questioned whether it’s ethical to blog about your children, especially as they become older. 

I don’t think I’ve written anything too embarrassing about the boys, but perhaps they won’t be too excited 10 or 15 years down the road when a potential girlfriend Googles them and reads about their adventures in toilet training.  It’s a problem that people of my generation didn’t have, although we did have to worry about baby pictures of us in the bathtub cropping up during family slide shows. 

Personally, it seemed like an equity issue.  I have taken pains not to include my first name anywhere on this site to make it a bit more difficult for some people to find me through search engines.  I think it’s only fair that I offer my family members the same courtesy.

In case it’s not obvious, my wife is B, my older son is A, and my youngest son is K.  I tried to come up with other names, but nothing really resonated with me.  I could have used Number 1 and Number 2 to refer to the boys, but it seemed a little juvenile / scatalogical (“Man, number 2 was a real pain in the ass this morning”).

I’ve also started going back through the archives to change the names to initials, which is a fairly significant undertaking.  I imagine it will take a few months, or even years, to completely eradicate their names from Google searches, but at least it’s a start. 

May 7 2008

Happy Birthday

Three years ago our trio became a quartet as K made an early arrival. He began stirring at midnight on May 7, 2005, burst onto the scene at 4:00 am, and was packed up and ready to leave the hospital by 8:00 am. Clearly this was a boy of action.

Like many pre-schoolers, K has been struggling with the word “three” – it comes out more like “free”. It’s been very cute over the past week watching him practice making the “th” sound. He sticks his tongue out in an exaggerated manner and slowly drags it across his top front teeth, which usually results in a fair amount of airborne particulate.

For me, this birthday is accompanied by a bit of melancholy. The last few years seem to have flown by, and suddenly I’m no longer the father of two cute little toddlers. Although we haven’t closed the door on having a third child, I think it’s pretty unlikely. While this means I may never have to change another diaper or get up for a 4:00 am feeding, it also means I won’t get to enjoy the indescribable feeling of a baby sleeping on my chest or burying his head in my shoulder.

In any case, tonight will be a low key event with a small family dinner of K’s favourite foods (no fruit, vegetables, or meat allowed). I’m sure he’ll freak out when he sees the tricycle we bought him, and the chocolate cake and ice cream should give him enough energy for a couple dozen laps around the block.

Coming up later this month: A turns five, and I get a sports car in a futile attempt to retain my youthful appearance.

May 5 2008

A New Blog Game

Michael over at the Bass Blog posted this little game that’s making the blog rounds. With nothing else to do on a Monday night, I figured I’d play along.

Rules:

1. Pick up the nearest book.
2. Open to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence on the page.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

I happened to be sitting by my bookcase, so I closed my eyes and randomly selected a title. As fate would have it, the book I chose was Nicholson Baker’s The Fermata, the most profane book I own. I turned to page 123, found the fifth sentence, and quickly concluded I can’t post what comes next. This is a family blog (supposedly), and the passage contains some colourful language that may not be suitable for all readers. In fact, the whole book is pretty smutty, so I doubt there are three sentences in the entire book that I could post here.

I went back to the bookcase and randomly selected Anthony Bourdain’s Kitchen Confidential. I turned to page 123, found the fifth sentence, and here’s what I found:

We wanted to be the best, we wanted to be different, but at the same time, correct. We yearned to bring honor to our clan, and in that vein, we came up with the looniest, most ambitious menu our super-heated, endorphin-overloaded brains could agree on, a sort of Greatest Hits of our Checkered Careers So Far collection. French classics sat side-by-side with Portugese squid stew, my Tante Jeanne’s humble salade de tomates, dishes we’d lifted out of cookbooks, stolen from other chefs, remembered seeing on TV.

So, it may not compare to Grand Theft Auto IV, but it’s not bad diversion for a Monday night. Anyone else want to play along? Friar Tuck? Kelly? Bueller?