Monthly Archives: September 2007

Sep 10 2007

Christmas in July

I’ve written about this before, but what the hell is up with retailers these days? Maybe it’s just me, but stores seem to be using different calendars than the rest of us.

First it was the “End of Summer Sale” at American Eagle on July 5th. Is it too much to ask to be able to buy a pair of shorts in August instead of down-filled jackets? The next day, I saw the first “Back to School” ad, a vicious and and insensitive reminder to our youth of the fleeting nature of summer vacation. On July 31st, I saw Christmas trees on sale at Costco. I was going to get one, but they only came in packs of six…

The kicker for me was on August 22nd, when I noticed a whole wall of Halloween costumes on sale at The Children’s Place. I simply can’t imagine there are parents out there who were all geared up to get little Johnny the cutest little pony costume 70 days early. It’s not like they’re limited edition outfits, people – they’ve got warehouses full of that crap, and it’ll be half price in six weeks.

This madness isn’t limited just to retailers. The Weinstein Company produced Rob Zombie’s latest blood-soaked offering Halloween. Back in the good old days, a movie with the title Halloween would have been released, oh, I don’t know, maybe sometime around October 31st. Instead, in what I thought was a stupid move, the Weinsteins opened the movie on August 31st (of course, it made $26 million US in its first week, so what the hell do I know).

I guess you can’t argue with progress – the public has spoken, and obviously we all want to have months and months to agonize over what to buy. If you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll head out and stock up on my Valentine’s Day cards.

Sep 8 2007

Gimme Gimme Gimme

I stopped by Toys ‘R Us last week while I was out with Aidan. We walked around for about 10 minutes, and he probably said “I want that” roughly 43 times. Cars, books, Transformers, bikes, Play-doh – it didn’t really matter what it was, he just wanted it. I thought “Oh my God, my son is a consumed by greed”.

As a concerned parent, I reflected on the past few years to see if somehow I had contributed to his desire to have one of everything right this minute. I don’t think we’ve promoted a materialistic lifestyle, and we have tried not to lavish our boys with gifts and toys when they already have so much. Are we just hard-wired to be greedy?

It got me thinking about my own impulses when it comes to buying stuff. At various times in the past few months, I have expressed an interest in acquiring tons of things, including:

Tivoli radio
Digital SLR camera
Cell phone
Flat-screen T.V.
Patio set
Elliptical trainer
Leather briefcase
Acoustic guitar
Family-size tent
Piccolo snare drum
iMac
Mazda5 GT with air conditioning and automatic
Cottage
New house

That’s just off the top of my head – I’m sure there have been other spur-of-the-moment urges that I’ve forgotten about.

So, despite my sometimes holier-than-thou attitude, I must admit to harbouring greedy thoughts and desires. However, I’m pretty sure that if I just buy everything on my list, I won’t need anything else and these greedy thoughts will be gone. It’s such a simple solution – I encourage all of you to do the same.

Sep 7 2007

Things I Hate

Do you know what I hate?I hate it when I go into the small bathroom at work, and the guy who was there just before me made it smell really bad, but I put up with it and go pee, but then when I’m washing my hands another guy comes in and smells the bad smell, and he gives me this weird look like “God, man, what is wrong with you?”, but I don’t feel comfortable saying “it wasn’t me, it was the guy before me”, ’cause everyone knows that “he who denies it supplies it” (although I suppose one could counter with “he who smelt it dealt it”), so then I spend the rest of the day worrying that colleagues think I have a digestive track problem.That’s what I hate.

Sep 3 2007

My New Fitness Plan

I have struggled for years with a desire to have a great physique. Let’s be honest, if I have abs, they’re hiding beneath a few layers of subcutaneous fat. The last time I had muscles was the summer of 1992 when I was making concrete lawn ornaments, and even those modest biceps disappeared within weeks of returning to school.Having reached my mid-30′s, I figure my chances of developing a ripped look are getting slimmer by the day. I’ve done a lot of reading about various fitness programs, and I’ve come up with a my own unique plan.I’m going to star in a major motion picture, preferably an action-adventure movie.It’s perfect. I’ll become an action hero, and a big Hollywood studio will set me up with a personal trainer who will whip me into shape in a matter of weeks. I’ll be motivated by the thought (fear) of millions of people seeing me without my shirt on, not to mention the multi-million dollar payday that will be waiting for me.Think about it – Hollywood is filled with average-looking male actors who developed amazing physiques for movie roles. Take Arnold Schwarzenegger, for example. Before Conan the Barbarian, Arnold was just a skinny Austrian thespian. Then he gets cast as Conan, spends a few weeks in a gym, and boom – he looks like Mr. Olympia.Or consider my doppleganger, Mike Myers. In So I Married an Axe Murderer, he looked like me – pale, soft, and totally unremarkable. Then he got the role of Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, and he developed an amazingly muscular physique befitting a world-class secret agent.I’ve sent my CV and some headshots to a number of big agents already, and I’m just waiting for the offers to roll in. I’m really counting on an action flick, although I’d be willing to consider a television drama (no sitcoms please – those guys are all pretty dumpy looking). Hopefully they won’t take too long to get back to me with a vehicle, as I’d really like to be in shape by the time Christmas rolls around.On the off-chance that this plan doesn’t work out, I’ve thought about some possible back-ups that would also give me a great body. I could be a Calvin Klein underwear model (they’re all got amazing abs), a professional athlete (perhaps Mixed Martial Arts or sprinter), or the male lead in a major ballet company. It would be nice if it paid a lot of money, but that would just be a bonus.Oops, gotta go – my extra-large all-meat pizza just arrived and my ice cream is melting.

Sep 1 2007

I Play a Silly Instrument

I’m a percussionist, but I like to think I specialize on the marimba. It has recently dawned on me that I play a completely stupid, completely impractical instrument. I don’t know why this didn’t occur to me earlier, perhaps before I spent literally thousands of hours learning how to play it.

The first problem I have is the marimba is not really portable. My instrument is nine feet long, with 60 rosewood bars, and weighs at least 300 pounds. It doesn’t even fit in my car – I have to rent a van if I want to move it anywhere. And by the way, the fact that I have a really big instrument should not in any way be considered an effort on my part to make up for shortcomings in other areas.

Secondly, I find practising marimba requires you to be very sharp mentally, which has been an issue with me for several years now. You have four mallets and you’re trying to hit these narrow bars in just the right spot. There’s not much room for error, so you really have to pay attention. It’s not like playing the drums, where I can basically just turn my brain off for a while and hit things really hard in completely random order, much to the enjoyment of my family and neighbours.

Third, most of the repertoire for the marimba has been written in the past 50 years, so it’s quite modern (translation: it’s usually not pretty). While most instrumentalists can pull out a nice classical-era concerto to entertain their friends, a lot of my repertoire tests people’s patience after about two minutes. I could play some Bach, but it’s fiendishly difficult and too obvious when you hit a wrong note. Besides, if God wanted Bach to be played on marimba, Bach would have been born in Mexico.

So, I’ve been thinking about learning a new instrument. The piano is one option – we have my mom’s piano at home, I could probably practice at the NAC over lunch, and it has a broad repertoire. I think people also respect pianists – they’re seen as highly-cultured and suave.

I’ve also been thinking about the guitar. There’s something romantic about being able to pull out an acoustic around the campfire and strum a few bars (although I swear to God I’ll kill the next person who starts in on an Indigo Girls tune). As far as I know, there are only three chords to learn anyway, so it probably won’t take up a lot of my time.

I’ve pretty much ruled out string instruments (learning curve is too steep), reed instruments (too fussy), and brass instruments (I have weak lips). Any other suggestions?

By The Dearlove • Posted in Music • Tagged
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